I am so mad. So freaking mad. And sad. I should have just said. “Yea, you’re right.” Or “Okay, i’ll go on the kayak trip.” You stupid cunt, you yelling pissing asshole. Bitch and whore hole!…My mother. Get out.
Apparently she talked to the explorer people. They are insane and I am feeling enraged.
She was right though, of course she was right. I just wish she wasn’t. She talked about how the globals were just a thing I wanted to do for fun, how it didn’t compare to Zahn. Zahn is a very smart boy in my grade who is going to the global finals in robotics. “He’s been working on this with his team the whole year” says my mother “the whole year” Neew neew neew. THe whuuuullle year. This is something I threw together in a week. And I only got through because no one else was competing in my category. Bull shit. BULL SHIT. FUCK YOU. “No one in your team helped you”. Neew neew neew. FUCK YOU. Yes they did. Yes they did! They helped with the props and helped wrote the script, nat as much as me but they really did help! They were performers! They practiced their lines and even though they were distracted they were never mean to me! We were like a family! And we always worked hard! I put more effort into the Destination Imagination team than I did the explorer trip the entire year. FUCK YOU!
……I know if any Destination Imagination judge read this they would be ashamed. And i’m only writing that incase someone who does Destination Imagination reads this and cares to take pity on me. If only, if only she took a gentler approach. She said she was avoiding this conversation with me. Because she knew it would be a big back and forth. Back and forth back and forth BACK AND fuuuuuucccccckiiiiing forth. Time management. Time conflict. Fuck you. It’s $1500-$2000 price range to go to globals. I should be thankful. I can’t treat them like they’re bags of money I can toss about. I already have a psychologist and martial arts lessons at $30 a lesson. Fuck you. I was so sure…. I was so sure that if only we could change the time just a bit. Just a few days.
I cancelled tall ships to go to nationals, that turned out to be a “disaster” says my mum. Because anxiety. Well… I thought it was a good learning experience. Because I cancelled tall ships I have to go on the Kayak trip. Now, i’m trying to cancel the Kayak trip to go to globals.
Well fuckedy doo da fuckedy day. I was just talking to a good friend on the bus. She was very supportive but I don’t think she gets it. Well, just kidding I mean i’m sure she gets it. She’s a very empathetic individual. And does Destination Imagination.
And first place Destination Imagination would look so good on a resume. However, I feel that small ache in my heart that says my mum is right. I should just go on the Kayak Trip. It’s sad. I’m sad. I wish that I could just go to global finals, I wish the Kayak trip was on another day, but it’s not. And now the problem’s been presented to me in such a way I don’t think i’ll ever be able to go back to see The Global Finals it as anything more that a burden. A burden on my parents, the leadership team and myself.
I’m not going to give up just yet though. I’m going to keep trying to talk to them, or i’ll talk to them one more time, the leadership team that is. I’ll keep trying, pushing a bit if you will. But, if it doesn’t work out, then my team has to go without me. They have to go without me. It was amazing. It’s an experience i’ll never forget and I’ll feel 1000% better if they go! HUZZAH!
Ride across Canada is fading, I hope it’s something irrelevant to the fate of the world. I’ll try my best to keep it an option, on the back of my hand for as long as I can. I just think I won’t be able to get momentum after high school. I’ll try not to e scared of talking about it anymore! Well! I’m feeling better now! I’ve got to go! Huzzah!
That was this morning. Ms. Red talked to me and we’re not going. Missing all the school, the explorer commitment. It’s hard. She thought maybe we could have over Skype tutorials. She really wanted to go to. But i’ve made my peace with it, I don’t have a choice really, have to make my peace with it. June was so sad though. I could see it in her face. They all really wanted to go. Maybe next year. Ha. Next year will be even more important for exams. Ha. Well. Talking to Tad made me feel better, it always does. I really, really really wanted to go.
….The prophecy did come true though. We did make it, we just didn’t go. I think, when I had that prophecy, I knew that was true somewhere inside of me to. There was something empty in the future of that preminition. And for grade 11 and 12. It’s unlikely we’ll be able to go. Or even make a team. I swear to god i’ll try though. Man, I was so mad. “Don’t be angry” my mum said “It’s a waste of emotion”. I wanted to say “Fuck you!” but I did’t I know anger only builds, I knew she was right. “We’ll have a pizza party” said Ms. Green “to commemorate what could have been, and what is.”
But we tried so hard, and we had all those sleepovers and sun and waterfalls and commitment and streams and SUV’s!
We tired, so, so, hard!
But I will turn anger into determination, and only try harder.
I swear to god I won’t let this be a setback.
I swear to god.
I had a terrible dream just less that a week ago that I arrived for my delegation completely un perpared. It was terrible. I didn’t have my speech memorized, I was stuttering and I felt so ashamed knowing I could do so much better as I had three months to prepare. I woke up with my hand to my chest, but feeling good. I had about 20 days. Well now I have 10 days. 10 days. That’s 10 hours approximately to perpare. Gezus. I have to really get down to work tomorrow and put other things on hold. Not only that but I have another 5 minute speech to prepare for a speaking competition. My conscience says I could have done better, but honestly it says if I put in 110% between now and then i’ll be good. I’ve really got to stop procrastinating and get down to work. I have about 2,000 words in my speech right now. I need to edit and edit and edit and edit and cut and cut and print it out and memorize and memorize and memorize and memorize. I need to finish both speeches tomorrow and send my delegation to Rob for finilization, then I need to spend at least and hour going over both of them. So all in all, realistically we’re talking about 4 hours of work being put into it. I’ll feel a whole heck of a lot better once the speech is done, memorization is easy. Jeezus christ. Okay. Calm calm calm. In order to maximize productivity you need a calm state of mind, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm, calm. Phss… 10 days… Ready… Set… START!
"Don’t do stupid shit!" says my dad. As he squirts me with the squirt bottle I use to water me plants. "Don’t do stupid shit" he says as he yanks my iPad out of my hands. "Don’t do stupid shit!" he says as he stares at me on his bed, brewing.
June came over today. She’s not very smart, but she’s nice enough and we had fun lighting candles and incense on a big orange and red astrological sheet, playing yoga music, wearing head dresses and having a ceremony for the crickets we were about to feed my Leopard gecko. They sat peacefully, mostly, in a small plastic bag filled with air and tied with an elastic band in the centre of the sheet. June and I had fun swaying our hands and chanting. June claimed she could see that their spirits left their bodies, so they would feel no pain when the gecko killed them, I think she’s just a kid inside. A couple candles fell over and wax spilt through the sheet onto the carpet. After our gecko ate a few crickets from the “arena” (a big turquoise plastic bin) and we moved all the organisms back to my gecko’s cage we looked up how to remove candle wax from the carpet. It’s surprisingly simple. All you need is an iron and a paper bag. Before I knew it, the wax was gone.
Side note: I showed her my vibrator, in hopes that we would “experiment”.
“Y’know” I said as normally as I could possibly manage “My psychologist says it’s normal to experiment with girls your own age.” Oh, real smooth Emily. You don’t sound like a sociopath at all. Needless to say, we didn’t experiemnt. I’m sure I could have talked her into it. But that would have been dumb of me. Firstly, I’d feel guilty, dirty and wrong. And secondly, I can’t trust June to keep a secret. especially one like that. Ew. I am so gross. Kill me now. If word got round my friends that I was molesting a few of them, i’m sure Yuki would verify I have strange lesbian tendencies, they would most certainly confront me, it would be long, and awkward, and I would literally have to go find someone else to hang out with and i’d spend my lunches in the counsellor’s office. Gross, ew, wrong. I’m disgusting. Tad wants to hang out agian, well, I asked him. Why did I ask him? Oh god, geezus. He’s going to put his arm around me. Am I gay? I don’t want to be gay? Do I?! Does being more comfortable sexually with girls than guys mean i’m gay? I guess so! Stupid! That’s literally the definition of gay. If this was a cute girls house I was going over to, would I feel more comferable? My first instinct is to say “Ya!100%!”.
*deep sigh* University Emily. University. Hang on till university and then, if you’re gay let your gay flag fly. This, is not the right time to be gay for me. I can’t handle it. Not with my parents around, or my friends. I’m up to here with stupid teenage shit. Yesterday, Ali my “best friend” came over. I say “best friend” and not: best friend because she doesn’t like to do anything really. She doesn’t climb trees and doesn’t really like to be outside too much. She’s good at playing though, like June, fun and exitable, and I love her to bits but recently, all she’s talking about is boys and parties and alcohol and smoking and drinking. Come to think of it, that’s all anyone’s thinking or talking about about! Besides Tad of course, and a few others, like lotion boy. Tad talks about important things, like love and poetry and Legend Of Zelda. (Video game). He talks about how people can be fake, and the brilliance of nerdy people. He’s in a Welshman’s choir. And wears suits. Good for Tad. Good for others! Other people who think and talk about other things! Tad doesn’t really, well, he doesn’t care too much about the environment I think. I’m not sure. But as long as he recycles. Bam! In the tank. Right? But no, then I think about his face acne and back acne and belly flab. And his penis, underneath the belly flab. Note: He’s not fat at all, but he’s just not fit. Kind of like me I suppose. No one’s perfect. But y’know, I think that even if he didn’t have the belly flab and acne i’d still be hesitant. There’d still be something that makes me recoil. *Deep sigh* I… I… wish I had a girlfirend. Right? Right. I want to say “I don’t know.”
Anyways, that turned out to be a little more than a “side note”. June and I went outside after cleaning wax from the carpet. We decided to see if we could break into this house down the street that’s been abandoned for the past few months. The same house that Ali and I played nickey, nickey 9 doors on. And then we got caught, and then I came back and sheepishly, but sincerely apologized. The house said “Protected by home lance security” but I didn’t mind. I thought, if we got caught we’d just run and hide in the tree until the police came and reset the system. So we messed around, then I googled how to pick a lock. We found some nails in the mail box that fit into the lock perfectly! We jiggled them around for a bit but they were a bit short to hit all the pins, so we went snooping around my garage and found a longer nail, but it didn’t fit. So We went back and I found two paperclips. One silver, one orange! Jackpot! We then rushed out of the house. My mum must have suspected something because just a few minuites later we spotted a blue coat behind the hedges heading towards the house. At first I assumed it was just another passerby and pushed June to tell her to act natural. We were picking the two bottom garage doors. They were the second easiest to pick besides the front door, but it had too much exsposure. However, we were going to go try our luck with the front door when we spotted mum walking up the driveway. I quickly tucked the paperclips behind my back.
"Oh! H-hey mum!"
“What are you doing?”
“Oh, um, just looking at this house…”
“No you’re not, you’re trying to break in!”
“Yes you are! That’s actually called breaking and entering!You could get in serious trouble for that! The police could come!”
“Oh okay… sorry”
“Yes, and that means give me whatever’s behind your back.”
“They didn’t really work!” said June, laughing and sounding sophisticated for once”
I tried to hand her both of them, but the orange paperclip fell on the ground. Since I didn’t want her to believe I had been using two. I didn’t notify her, and she walked back to the house.
We played with the orange paperclip in the dirt until Julia’s dad came. We didn’t really worry too much. Then I walked back to my house and saw my dad fixing something by the front door, I thought of going past him quietly and heading to the garage door but I realized a normal Emily wouldn’t do that. So I decided to face my fear. “Hi dad!” “Come here please”. I did. “Go to your room”
Long story short my dad was pissed, and so was my mum, he took my ipad away, squirted me with water like a cat, my mum laughed when he did. “Like a cat that needs to be punished” he said. I laughed too, it made it like a joke. Then I realized the trace of a smile I saw on his face was gone and he wasn’t stopping. After about 6 squirts he left and I let the water come down my face. “Okay trouble, time for dinner” said my mum. She was good to me. And after I went to my parents room and demanded my iPad back so I could work on my speeches (which I did do) she came to my room an talked to me. I guess my mum read in a parenting book somewhere to never leave a kid stewing, and always come have a calm talk after a fight. I think that’s a good stratagey, one i’ll use with my kids.
I said i’d be asleep an hour ago. Geez, it takes a while to write in this blog every night.
My mum says “If you’re not going to be easy on us, be easy on yourself at least, and get some work done, actually focus.”
I love her, I think i’ll do that too. I never thought of it that way. I love my dad too, even though, sometimes, he’s a….. very nice man. Take the highroad Emily, nice.
Sites to make you happier. (for those with more than one link, you can hover over the (x)’s to see exactly what the link leads to.)
Robot Hugs. (cool comics that will make you feel better)
Thisissand. (good for anxiety, just hold your mouse down and watch)
Games & Movies.
The End game. (it can take your mind off things)
Play with a cobweb. (good for stress and/or anxiety)
Food/recipes. (don’t forget to hover over the (x)’s to find out what they are.)
And remember, you’re adorable. You are beautiful. I love you. I believe in you. You don’t need to do this, you can get better. Believe in yourself. Have a great day/night. Remember, you’re worth it and a lot of people love you, whether you know it or not. Smile once in a while, even if you’re not happy.